其实最近我对妳非常反感，因为我不喜欢听妳诉苦。 而且我觉得根本无法开解妳，因为妳很固执。 我也非常讨厌看到妳天天都会po的理想爱情观图片，因为1.我看了会觉得无奈，因为爱情总是与我无关。2.我觉得每天都会po这些东西的妳，已经在自我贬值了。妳天天既在提醒我想起不愿面对的事，又让我一点一滴的觉得：妳对我来说根本就没有吸引力。 虽然我偶尔也需要人关注，但如果能够选择的话，我希望那个人不是妳。 妳是好人，我希望妳能找得到妳的幸福，但希望给妳幸福的那个人不是我。 这些话我当然不能当面对着妳说，可是我的心也装不下这些想法，所以只好到这里说了－－妳暂时还没找到来这里的路。 真相是很残酷的，知道了真相只会令自动受到更多冲击－－话需要说得这么明白吗？

伤心地 Sad Place

伤痛，似乎并没有随着时间的流逝而减轻。
My pain don't seems to be healt with time.
今天路过故地，深深地感受到：人事已非。
Deeply feel that everything has changed when I dropby an old place today.
想见又怕见到的人... 看不见...
The person which I will like to see, but also afraid to see...was not around.
很希望发生的一切都是一场误会。
Really hope that whatever had taken place is just an misunderstanding.
但故事已经发展至此，还会有奇迹吗？
But could there be any miracle?
我怎么提醒自己该无所谓...但没用。
& it seems useless no matter how hard I remind myself to take it easy.
不过是少了个朋友吧...
It's just about losing a friend...
但你不了解...
But you won't understand...
失去了这个朋友，我有多难过。
How upset am I for losing this friend.

最近...

最近买了辆脚踏车，开始尽量制造机会骑它，上班、兵营受训、兜风，全靠它。


最近重拾看漫画的兴趣，真金白银购买或者下载到手机，尽量令自己定下心好好阅读，并成功地投入漫画世界中，浑然忘我。

最近每个星期都得回营RT。曾几何时，我也是金牌选手！如今连及格的边都触摸不到，无限唏嘘...

最近换了份新工作，还在适应和学习阶段，也预料到师兄们会说些风凉话以及不太愿意指导，偶尔失落，偶尔充实，但还是不后悔。

最近会比较注意花费，每天吃喝所用都控制在一个钟头的时薪以内，同时也累积一点储蓄。买漫画和脚踏车的花费是在计算当中，问题不大。

最近会因为她若即若离的态度而感到些许的失落。拼命提醒自己：不要对她投放太多感情！没有用... -.-

最近一直想要写一些什么东西但又写不出来，所以这篇文章才会隔这么长时间。自己在fb的posting也总觉得似乎在无病呻吟。

最近...是更乐观了？还是更悲观了？是进步了？还是退步？

最近...也似乎是在跟自己过不去...因为我正在思考还能够做些什么改变...改变是不容易的，最大的阻力就是自己的意志力。这次的改变到底能够坚持多久？

最近还有一些微不足道的改变，因为比较琐碎，所以就不一一列举了。

是不是你有深爱的...两个她?

第一个她
过去一直认为，我心里挂念着的，就是她。
见到她，就紧张得什么都说不出来... 全身僵硬... 目光不敢停留在她身上...
但却在暗地里留意着她的气息，通过她的呼吸声猜测她是否也在留意着我，或是完全不把我当一回事？
而她是知道的，什么也没说，总是默默地给我对她献媚的机会。
即使我不懂该聊什么，她都会努力的打开话题。
愚笨的我却一次又一次地把机会搞砸了，尽管我真的很不想。
深深地了解该珍惜眼前人的这个道理，可是不论怎么配合，都觉得不太对劲。
我是非常羡慕别的男性朋友可以和她没有顾虑的聊、开玩笑、互相喂东西吃，老实说，有些酸溜溜的感觉。
偶尔自己有同样的机会却又...动作僵硬了...
不如就简讯传情吧！拿着手机想老半天，都打不出一个字...
自问... 自己真的...有那么关心她吗？
感觉到了压力，是自己给予自己的。
偶尔会有一种错觉：觉得是自己的努力做得不够，
偶尔又似乎有一种...自己在勉强自己的感觉...这个目标，对我来说会不会太高了？
问题的关键性在于：怎么想都不清楚到底喜欢她哪一点？就只是一种感觉吗？
朋友好像有问过我这个问题，而我好像真的回答不出来。
我真的能给她幸福吗？
她应该值得更好的伴侣吧？

第二个她
过去认为，我应该是不会喜欢上她的。
所以觉得跟她在一起，来自于自己的压力减轻了不少。
为了把所有意乱情迷的可能性给斩断，特地对她自称为叔叔，有着比较大的年龄差距。
跟她，比较能够天南地北地聊、闹在一起、互相调侃，像两个小孩子。
偶尔也会像个好色叔叔一样有意无意在言语上吃人家豆腐... :p
第一次对她产生心动的错觉，是她说顺路就一起回家吧的那一天。
之后偶尔网聊、互传简讯，都以为是因为觉得闷才会做这些。
渐渐觉得她的个性好可爱，直来直往，不刻意伪装自己。
最重要的，感觉她会偷偷的留意我的动向，窝心。
例如，昨天你又怎样怎样了，心情不好吗？
如果真的能在一起，应该挺不错的吧！我觉得自己跟她挺相配。
不过，她似乎不太接受我的关怀方式，问她需不需要吃东西，说不用，但是却自己跑到隔壁买小吃了...
发送给她的简讯好像有时差，几个钟头才回复，或是根本不回。祝她做个好梦，就好像真的做梦去了，整晚手机静悄悄响也不响...
或许是不好意思，或许是太忙碌，或许真的没看见，或许...
后来，朋友暗示：这个她不错呀！考虑吧！
其实我是这么觉得，但我最怕是我在表错情。
另一个说：我猜想你是喜欢她的，看来没猜错。
天~~~是我肚里的蛔虫吗？
应该是吧。
我回答朋友说我不知道，我撒谎了...
其实我知道的。
我蛮喜欢她的个性的，算不算也是喜欢她的人？
我现在不敢对她说这些，因为我怕她知道了以后会疏远我。
就算不做情人，我也不想失去这可爱的朋友。
不要紧，真有缘的话，她会懂的。
正所谓：Tan Ah Kow之心，路人皆知！（冷~~~~~~~~）

从什么人都可以，到只要这个人，绝对是进步。

狗男女 DOG MAN DOG WOMAN（18+）

虽然我是阿狗，但是我无论如何都绝对比你们光明正大
看看你们，有什么资格批判我？

男的是吃软饭小白脸
凭着一副尚可的脸蛋，就自以为是情圣，到处寻花问柳，可家里还有老婆呢
正经事都在找借口推辞
身为组长却帮不到什么，只懂得吃香喝辣，我要你何用？？？

女的是想男人想到快花轰
没有男朋友就别假装有，新加坡女性的平均智商值都被你拉低了
难道不是吗？一点点的甜言蜜语一点点的殷勤就把妳迷得晕头转向
三十岁的女人，没有自己的主见，被卖了还在傻傻替人家数钱

我长得是不比你帅，我的学历也不比妳高
我们和你们的分别在哪里？
我跟她没有逛街拍拖拉手拥抱喇舌，没有发生关系。没有一起去峇淡岛
就算有那又如何？我没有老婆孩子女朋友，我爱和谁XX就和谁XX，你管不着
你们倒是确确实实地拉手拥抱亲嘴了，在我的面前，真是噁心
人，可以无耻到这种地步，也算是个里程碑了
狗男女万岁！！！

Even I addressed myself as a dog，but that doesn't mean that you are ways better than me.
just look at yourself & see, are you realy that upright to judge me?

The man
He always think that he's a Prince of Charming & flirting around, making girlfriends.
How about your dear wife at home?
As a leader, only knows how to give excuses, pretend to be busy to be tired instead of being a guidance & giving a good example, I NEED YOU HERE FOR WHAT???

The lady oh PLEASE lar~~~~~
Can you PLEASE don't pretend to be in a relationshp when you are NOT???
PLEASE don't lowered-down average intelligent value of SG GALS~~~
Can you PLEASE develop your own judgement??? Do not mislead by whatever man said!!

So what's the difference between YOU2 & ME+HER???
Well,
ME+HER we never date each other, hold hands, hug, hanky-panky, still yet to go BATAM together.
To be fair with me, I'm not married with kids & I'm NOT even in a relationship,
so it's fine for me to do ANYTHING I like.
How about YOU2 ???
I only did witnessed YOU2 holding hands, hugging & smooching with each other so far.

Thanks for being our fantastic role-models & giving such a demonstration to us.
So, long-live DOG MAN DOG WOMAN!!!

Happy Birthday, Ashley

To Dear Ashley,

Happy Birthday dear Ashley, today you will be 3 years old. Uncle Black has not been seeing you for quite some while. Definitely uncle is missing you, though you havn't learned a few words but was still very happy when uncle played some music to you. I believe you should had becoming a talkative girl by now. Sometimes uncle will get some update of your growth from your mummy via Facebook, even uncle wasn't around by your side but will still know that you are fine.

Keep on growing Ashley. Trust me this small world is still wonderful to live with even of the miserables around us. One day you will get to live your own life. Hope that you will be brave enough to accept what's happening around you, to understand that why daddy wasn't around by your side. Take care of mummy, be her best friend & accompany her throughout the journey. Do not cause trouble to her. Listen to her & love her.

Stay healthy & cheerful always!

Best Regards
Uncle Black

做人何必撑得那么狼狈

前天对着YT姐和铁人兄发了一顿脾气。
既然是吃饭时间就别谈工作的事嘛，还没摸透我的臭脾气吗？

我已经反复地问了自己很多遍了：什么事情才是我的工作？才是我的责任？
除了日常的维修工作和日常检查，以及应付租户的投诉之外，还得确保清洁工作顺畅地进行，还得去油漆，还得帮忙找蓝图。

如今又要我监视大家的加班时间。

那一刻，我崩溃了，根本就没有在顾虑我的感受！要知道我根本就没有资格去管这！我的职位是最底的！凭什么去管人家？
完全无法接受。

上述交待的任务都确确实实去干了。兢兢业业，深怕有一丝办得不好，让支持的人失望。

晚上独自留下来抓鬼为了什么？
天天关在办公室，哪儿都没法去为了什么？
油漆时遭受别人的白眼为了什么？
升职考验？算了，我不升。
加班机会？算了，不赚。
说的尽是风凉话。
眼看大家当个技术人员，随随便便就过一天，每个月照样袋装平安，为什么我就做得那么辛苦？

第二天，被市场部的小姐硬拉出去喝咖啡。她出奇地有耐性，三言两语就把我的口供都逼出来了，并且对于我的付出给予肯定，最后让我乖乖地继续干活。
在此，向她道一声谢，虽然她还没找到来这篇博文的路。
心服口服。 :)

如今已是第三天，尽管工作依然不怎么如意，但似乎又想通了什么。

别人做工你也做工，别人轻松你苦恼。
只因为别人比你少了一样东西。
它叫做责任感。

呼！今天写了好多，是太久没写了吗？没办法，人要是太久不说话，口可是会臭的哟。 :p

我明白了

我想：我似乎开始明白，我的优点和缺点是什么了。

没那么简单 It's Not That Easy

这篇文章，全因为一份包围着灵魂的失落感而起，简单的需求，却是这么遥不可及。往往都是欠缺临门一脚，永远都无法修成正果。

那天起，告别了一切。浑浑噩噩到了今天，终于决定连最后一丝希望也放弃。它不会再是我活着的期盼，它由始至终不属于我，尽管强烈不想接受失败的事实。

难道这真的是一场游戏？我想我还是别玩了，也许真的没有天份。三年了，够了。千多个日子里究竟得到了什么？一次又一次重生的期盼，又影响了我多少？游戏后所留下的阴影，是内心深处总有一把声音时时刻刻提醒我说：就算是所有的男人都消失了，她也不会看上你。面对的谎言太多太多，不希望再为这一份期盼费神，要走的路或许还会很长，别再去想无聊的事情了。

应该多思考：余下的路，到底该怎么走下去？我往后的生活重心该摆在什么地方？能够做出什么贡献？

始终无法理解：正身陷其中的人，为什么还不满足？得来不易的东西，理应好好珍惜才是。

得不到的人，我真的没什么好说，这毕竟是一个我无法回答的问题。

清晨独自上杂货店买东西，那微凉的风，突然使我再一次想起：三年前的这一刻，正在家里等着我回去的她。

俪霖，掰掰。

这一夜，我睡不着

这天晚上，翻来覆去怎么也睡不着。随身听内播放着的不是催眠曲，反而更像是紧窟咒。脑海中浮现出妳的样子，想起妳就要走了，以为一向来对妳的感觉都只是一种遐想，并不是认真的，但原来，真的是有爱恋存在。以往面对妳时总会感到自卑，昨晚我第一次觉得我能够配得上妳。不是因为我已经成功的达到我所谓的成就，而是我终于开窍了。感谢天，让我们在那天晚上搭不到德士，在巴士上想通了我一直想不透的结论。身为男人，真的应该更有勇气，如果妳曾因为我无数次的不主动而感到失望，那我完全不会怪妳，都是我自己太笨了。

尽管我没表现敏感，但是妳所表达的关心，我还是看得见的，只是我在受宠若惊之际都把这些当作是顺便的关怀，以便寻求内心舒坦，我没有勇气接受妳的好意，我配不上妳，所以我并不值得妳这么做，我什么都不会，什么都不理想，在妳我的周围总是有比我更好的人，是我无法超越的。或许我唯一对妳好的一点，就是尽量把妳和我的感情线交叉的机会减到最少。常常都会觉得我自己的想法很无聊，地球正在忙着转动，我却一直为了这些思想阻碍它自转。我不小了，所以希望能为世界作出更大的贡献，而不是整天为了儿女情长苦恼。

我开始以为，我必须改变自己，在工作上付出更多，拼命进取。我开始不去想起妳，开始上班不迟到，开始埋怨工作量不够多，开始争取越来越多的责任，开始连午餐也不想吃，开始借由工作来麻醉自己，开始埋怨没有发挥的机会，开始想要求调职。真的会觉得自己似乎在各方面进步了，自信终于累积起来了。但是好好笑，我依然没有勇气面对妳。其实我一直都很明白，我改变的根本都是为了缩短妳我彼此间的差距，并没有特别伟大的理由。我还是没能离开妳的框框一步，但偏偏勇气还是找不回来。

现在我希望说的，首先想感谢妳。我非常喜欢妳送的圣诞礼物，我一定会细心使用。谢谢妳给我机会让我陪妳吃午餐、逛街、送妳回家，在我喝醉那一次送我回家，谢谢妳接受我的友谊，给我接近妳的机会。谢谢妳包容这不成熟的我，在沉默时拼命找话题和我聊。谢谢你知道我对妳有着特别的意思，却不曾拒绝我。

然后想要向妳道歉。总是在相处时，在妳身上摆了许多乌龙。我一定不会忘记在快餐店里把妳的吸管弄脏的那一幕，和妳那惊讶的表情。排队买泡泡茶时忘记带钱的那一刻，在租户为难妳时没能挺身而出替妳解围。这些种种，都不知道怎样才能表示我对妳的歉意。

那天在巴士上，才豁然了解，我能为妳所做的，原来是有这么多。不一定得找话题聊，我还能够好好的注意妳、观察妳，聆听妳的气息。现在的我，做得到。

下个礼拜妳就要走了，我还有几天的时间。

一定要好好把握！不是要追求妳，而是要让妳知道我能够比现在更加关怀妳的。

我一定不能再让妳失望！

之后，就随缘。

Give Me Love

Give me love, give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light, give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load
Trying to touch and reach you with, heart and soul

Oh my my my my my my my my
My my my my lord . . .

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Won't you please
Oh won't you

Give me love, give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light, give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope, help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to touch and reach you with, heart and soul

Oh my my my my my my my my
My my my my lord . . .

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Can't deal with this poisonous wound

When a love that used to be sweet
Has turned into bitterness
When I've become just the wind in your eyes
Today... I have no strength left
When the person I trusted is able to hurt me
Creating a scar in my heart
I wasn't careful
By the time I knew I was betrayed
I'd already been forsaken
I've changed into a weak person
But that doesn't mean I'm asking you
To come back and love me, understand that

It's just my heart has never felt this much pain
It's just my heart has never loved anyone
As much as you before
The reason I'm crazy and unreasonable now
You should know
That my heart has never been scarred from a slit
But I want you to know
The one thing I care about
Is my own heart
Because it has to carry on a living
To overcome this reality...

No matter how much I loved you
But today
I'll forget what happened
During this terrible part of my life
I hold myself
It'll be much longer until I can let anyone enter my heart
Living with a scar in my heart
All by myself
Living with this scar of betrayal
And I have no one
Even if I appear to be weak
But that doesn't mean I'm asking you
To come back and love me, understand that

It's just my heart has never felt this much pain
It's just my heart has never loved anyone
As much as you before
The reason I'm weak at this point is only because
I can't deal with this poisonous wound...

Even if I'm weak at this moment
I'm sure one day
I'll be able to overcome this poisonous wound.

-Tan Ah Kow @ 08 Dec 2010, looking back at Tan Ah Kow @ 04 Apr 2008

Humour

Laugh it off, cheer up yourself, & start a new day. =D

















不良百货公司物语 Insane Department Store
臼井仪人 Art by Yoshito Usui

Old artwork (Part 2) PFCJ 平凡刺激

A 2-parts comic-script which I did in 1998 when I was in Sec.4
My pen-name was BULLDOG at that time.

Part 1 is about the 4-men team trying to be hero & went to catch a molester in the neighbourhood.
They became ghost-buster in Part 2, one of them was eventually being captured by the suspected ghost, finally they found out that it's actually a patient who escaped from the mental hospital, & having a hard time with him. (or she?? hard to tell..)

Very precious pieces to keep it might worth a million dollars in future~~
However, these are duplicate copies, I've lost my original somewhere in the house... This could explain why the images are not clear.
Laughing out loud now with the ammetuer presentation.. ;p


Cover

Part 1

Part 2(A)

Part 2(B)

Old artwork (Part 1)

An art piece which I did when I'm in Sec.5, it's year 1999. I'm imitating one of the page from a comic book. It's an effect after cutting & pasting a few colour papers together, & using marker pen for the outlines.

Looking at the piece today, I was think: I CAN DO IT BETTER NOW!! ...if I didn't stop drawing... Sad thing is, I've lost my passions... ;p

Song of a bummer

A song which is quite related to my life style.
So true... so hard to change...

我叫阿博 经已四十几 My name is Bob I'm 40 something
人人在忙 但我最爱嬉戏 I'm playing around while everyone is busy
个个说我 荒废自己 & everyone will say that i'm wasting my time
人人自危 I don't know what are they troubling about,
独我爱理不理 I'll just don't give it a damn

所有说话我已经听够 I've had enough with all their comments
让理想消失如烟 I'll just let my dreams to be vanished in the air
管它今生会点 who cares what life is going to be

因我的心情就有若微尘 'Cos I will just go by my own mood
躺卧于街头或结伴同行 Lying on street, alone or with gangs
也不介意做个自由人 & I don't mind to be a free man
无必须要紧 Nothing to worry about

开始有点 讨厌自己 Somehow I started to hate myself
旁人时常 话我欠缺生气 People are saying that I'm lifeless
讲起身家 总觉自卑 I feel inferiority when talking about my financial
茫茫前途 就似看见空气 Seems like there's nothing but air in my future

黄贯中 ♪ 阿博 Bob
词曲：黄贯中 Music & Lyrics by Paul Wong

No more Hesitation

How would you decide, in between "Dream" & "Reality"... You can only choose either one to carry on with your own life journey... Know what you need well before you finally made your decision, & regardless of your choice, never feel regret about it. Try putting in as much interest as you can, accept it & love it. In life there's actually no much time for each of us to turn back & choose another path. Make your decision carefully.

Clip originally from 1991 film "Beyond Dairy"
Beyond ♪ No more Hesitation 不再犹豫

I like her

I like her, we know each other at work, we are staying near each other, our birthday is falling on the same month.

She melts my heart when she smile, like to see her being happy.
& she's really cute when she's drunk...haha. =D

Do I really like her? I assume it is a yes.

However I'm too used to allow opportunities to slip away from my arms. Saying inappropriate sentences, showing inappropriate actions, I seems like trying my best to make myself looks like a fool. Whenever I cannot handle the situation I will pretend to be an idiot. The thinking is also affecting me which I finding problems focusing on my work. I choose to hide my feelings & it turn-out to be ignorance to her. I always disappoint her. I'm such a failure.

Knowing the fact that I'm not compatible with her in many ways, there are big differences between our financial, interest, intelligent, capability... & I'm so shoooorrrt! We can never be a good match before I can finally improve myself in all these factors. Wondering that it really bad to tag her along with my name, god...I do not dare to find out the answer...

I rather that she will just say no right in front of my face, really.
Just hurt me once & that will be all, simple.

Still hoping that I will be able to share my happiness around one day, anyway.
If there is such a day.